Friday, May 27, 2016



Humility and Faith


Five years ago I started writing this pseudo-diary. I was a self-proclaimed control freak, mother of two boys, and workaholic. And I was, in hindsight, supposed to be stopped in my tracks with a breast cancer diagnosis. I also think it was supposed to teach me some humility. But that didn’t stop me…it didn’t really even slow me down for the most part.  And for a whole year (or more), I felt like a rock star…there was no humility. Eleanor Roosevelt once said, “Humility is no substitute for a good personality.” I used to love that quote. It was my mantra. If someone had asked me, years ago, who I would have dinner with, dead or alive, Miss Spitfire Eleanor Roosevelt would have been at least near the top of that list. 
Faith, hope and love. These are the things I was taught by family, friends, family friends…my life was filled with these things. I grew up in a beautiful church in the heart of the Garden District in Montgomery,Alabama. Church of the Ascension (COTA) was my home away from home. Sunday nights were a time for fun, friends and fellowship. One of my favorite nights of the year was when the Youth Group trekked through the bones of the church and ended in the bell tower. Those bells were incredibly big. The view from the COTA bell tower was magical. And as the birds said goodnight, we settled in for an Order for Compline. I can still hear the acapella melody of the Song of Simeon: “Lord, you now have set your servant free…to go in peace as you have promised. For these eyes of mine have seen the Savior, whom you have prepared for all the world to see.” I sang those words throughout adolescence, but they never sounded as beautiful as they did in the bell tower. I always thought that the words were referencing new life after death…and I guess in a way they are.But not the “earthly” I-died-and-went-to-Heaven-and-met-Jesus kind of death…it’s the I-woke-up-and-smelled-the-coffee-kind-of-death…the I-once-was-blind-but-now-see-kind-of-death...it’s an awakening.
When I started writing, I wanted to be able to share my story with friends and family. I lived in Kentucky, and while I was growing a support system there that would stand the test of time, the people who grew me into who I had become at that point were both north and south…mostly south. And throughout the year of diagnosis, treatment, surgery, they were there in masses beyond my wildest dreams. You were there. And you lifted me and my family up in prayer and finally thanksgiving. You probably didn’t know it, but you strengthened my faith, and brought me closer to God through your prayers. You continued to grow me as you always had, and for that I am so very grateful. 
What I didn’t know 5 years ago is how immature my faith actually was. Through childbirth and cancer and moving and divorce, I knew of God. I believed in Jesus. But my faith was a mustard seed. 
Mighty has it grown. 
Over the last year, the Holy Spirit has been working furiously within me. I have found the Word of God. I have grown thirsty for the living water, and I am free to explore that. I am so blessed to have James and my family, who together encourage and embrace that freedom. For that, I am eternally grateful. I have grown from faith, hope and love into grace, mercy and forgiveness. And it started with Hebrews. 
I am working at Trinity Lutheran Church in the heart of Wausau, Wisconsin as the Parish Administrator. Working in a church is the most rewarding and challenging (paid) position I have ever had. When I first started working, I told Tiff that I didn’t think I could do it…after working in hospitals for 11 years, I just didn’t think there was enough “excitement” for me (I think the word I actually used was “drama”)! Boy, was I wrong! Two weeks later I was so happy to be at Trinity. My heart was hurting because I felt it was growing…like I was “called” to be there…like for the first time in my life I was exactly where I was supposed to be. Tiff told me that was the Holy Spirit working in me, and that growth often hurts. What words of wisdom! What truth.
Last Fall I attended a live, webcasted women’s faith conference called IF: Gathering. If you haven’t heard of IF, please look it up.Those women are so engaging and willing to share their stories of faith and healing. It was an incredible experience. There were many moments of clarity for me, but two moments in particular rang out to me like a bell in a church tower. The first was a moment where the women talked about abiding in the Word. One stated that if you wake up in the middle of the night, and you cannot go back to sleep, perhaps that’s God’s way of giving you some uninterrupted time to study the Word. Then there was a woman who had a stroke in her 20’s, when her child was 9 months old. She had an amazing story of faith, which she proclaimed was strong long before her stroke.And this amazing woman is using her story to spread God’s Word to others. She made a comment at one point that she woke after her stroke, and the first thing she consciously thought was, “This is not a drill, people!” And that awakening I could identify with. And she fought. 
When I returned to work from IF, I was energized. I was inspired, and I was thirsty. I ordered 2 self-studies. One from an IF founder, Angie Smith, called Seamless.And one from Lisa Harper called “Hebrews.” I didn’t have any reason for choosing that one…it just stood out to me. While attending Bible study one Sunday morning, I found that I needed a pen. I searched in an 8th grader’s desk, and there it found me…a hand-colored book cover that read Hebrews 13:8. I wrote that down. I felt that God was pointing me to that verse. I awoke in the middle of the night shortly thereafter, and I remembered my first little nugget from IF…”Maybe I should take this opportunity to explore Hebrews,” I thought. 
I talked to my mentor Phil and Pastor Schultz about where I should start in the Bible. I explained about how I was drawn to Hebrews, so I started reading it in the middle of the night. It put me to sleep. Not in a comforting kind of way, but in a “Why Hebrews? I don’t get it” kind of way. Phil and Pastor laughed at me…they were not surprised that Hebrews put me to sleep in the middle of the night. And although they appreciated my baby faith and strong desire to move mountains, they suggested that I start somewhere else. I started studying Seamless. But that didn’t last long.
I went to visit James in Montgomery shortly thereafter. And I had this amazing trip. There were so many beautiful highlights that I couldn’t pinpoint one…until, oddly, my trip home. I sat on the plane, ready to put my earbuds in and space out like I do, when I saw a hand extended in front of me and a voice saying, “Good morning, I’m Jay Wolf.” Now I didn’t know Jay Wolf (I know, Montgomery people, gasp!) from Adam. I introduced myself, and we immediately connected. We talked about church and faith…he shared with me that he is a Minister at First Baptist in Montgomery, and I gleaned some little nuggets from him. We talked about mission work, and how he was off to work with David Platt on mission planning. He asked if I knew who David was, and I answered that I did, but only because I had recently seen him speak at IF: Gathering. “You went to IF? My daughter-in-law spoke at IF!” He said her name was Katherine Wolf,and I admitted that I didn’t recall her name from the webcast (I know, gasp again!). He shared with me that she had a stroke, and I rudely but excitedly interrupted, echoing her, “This is not a drill, people!” We laughed, and he showed me pictures of his new grandchild. He shared with me about Katherine’s book and charitable organization, Hope Heals, further sharing that the organization is based on a verse from (you guessed it) Hebrews (I believe it is Hebrews 6:19, which states, “We have this hope as an anchor for the soul, firm and secure. It enters the inner sanctuary behind the curtain”).I shared with Jay that God was pointing me to Hebrews, and that I couldn’t wait to start my study when I returned to Wausau. He said that it was a “God wink.”And while I didn’t go through my blog posts over the last 5 years to find out,I’m pretty sure I used that term to describe how I met Dr. Quintero!
When I returned to Wausau, I found my Bible and looked to Hebrews 13:8. “Jesus is the same as he was yesterday, is today, and will be forever.” Hello, Holy Spirit. And then I learned the history of the book…the author is unknown – oh, God knows me so well, for He knew that this little bit of unknown history would keep me interested, as if I will be the person who figures it out after almost 2000 year! The verse that I connected with most in my study was Hebrews 12:1, “Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.” I love the metaphor of life as a race…I’ve used that once or twice myself.  
And so my journey has changed, and how it continues. I pray with Logan and Parker Dean aloud every night. They are such faithful servants,and it fills my heart with so much joy to watch them develop with this beautifully strong foundation in this ever-changing world. I’m reminded of the body wash that a co-worker gave me that had a picture of Logan and Parker Dean on it…and it read “Mommy loves you better than the whole wide world.” We still say that daily. And I still wear that perfume from Philosophy, Amazing Grace. I never wanted the song “Amazing Grace” to be heard at my passing, or celebration of my life. What a silly thought. I once was blind, but now I see. What grace has been bestowed upon us through the life and death of Jesus Christ! How undeserving we are of that grace. How blessed we are. My chains are gone, and I am free.
I had my Oncology follow-up last week. I am so happy to report that I am free of any lumps, bumps or fear that brought me to this blog 5 years ago today. This has been such an amazing journey, and I cannot wait to see what the future holds for our family. Thank you all for your prayers of faith and thanksgiving, for your unending support, and for exposing me to the Light. There are no bells like the ones in the COTA bell tower, and I cannot wait to hear them ring again. And all the while, I’ll be singing the Song of Simeon in my head…and I will understand that I am free in this world. 
Lord, you now have set your servant free;
To go in peace as you have promised
For these eyes of mine have seen the Savior;
Whom you have prepared for all the world to see
A Light to enlighten the nations;
And the glory of your people Israel
Glory to the Father and to the Son and to the Holy Spirit;
As it was in the beginning, is now, and will be forever.Amen.

Over time, my list of people, dead or alive whom I would have dinner with has changed. My family will always be there…any amount of time with James, Lizzy, Jimmy, Logan and Parker Dean is time that I do not take for granted. After losing two grandmothers in the past 4 years, my parents would be at that table…my sisters...and many friends. And the author of Hebrews! Because inquiring minds need to know.Eleanor Roosevelt no longer makes the list. I think I found a little humility…and it is far more valable than a “good personality.” 
All glory to God.