Sunday, May 28, 2017

Forgive and Forget

Big sis Tiff always tells me that I have the strangest memory. I can remember conversations in detail for years. I can remember what people were wearing on the most significant days of their lives, even if they weren't entirely significant to me personally. I can remember. And sometimes that plagues me. They say that mothers forget the pain of childbirth, and that's how they continue to have babies. Nope. Not me. I tend to remember things more clearly when my emotions are escalated. It's a blessing and curse. I remember pain, emotion, color, facial expressions, scents, even the way the brush of hand felt at a concert years ago. 

I've had the privilege of attending numerous leadership conferences in my time as an adult. One of the most memorable was a session on "Change Leadership" while I was in Louisville. That came at an integral time in my career, during which I was navigating lots of change as a result of a merger, but also at an integral time in my personal life, during which I was navigating through treatment for breast cancer. Notably, the speaker said that change comes through 3 things: chance; choice; or crisis. 

It was by chance that I was diagnosed. It was by choice that I became divorced. It was by choice and God's timing (we'll call that chance) that I have all of these children. And I've been through plenty of crises in my lifetime. And, while I have faith that it is all part of some grand design and master plan, it is still hard. Change is growth. Growth is painful and confusing. It requires transition. It requires adaptation. It requires forgiveness. It requires processing. It requires patience. And there comes a point where you've met these requirements...where you move into a maintenance phase.

Maintenance is a funny place to be - not funny like ha-ha-funny, but funny like uneasy-uncomfortable-funny. But every once in a while, you are granted a glimpse of peace...and in this peace you find forgetfulness. This is the type of peace that 6 short years ago I could only dream of.  

Yes, 6 years. 6 years ago today I listened to my OB tell me that she didn't know how this was the case. That she didn't think it would turn out to be breast cancer. I will never forget the pure sadness that was in her voice. It was so kind...so personal. And yet, I wish I could forget that few minutes that forever changed my life. Forgetting is key to survival. 

Today I woke up to two beautiful little boys. Logan is 8 and Parker Dean is 6. 6 years. Process, Bean, process. We had breakfast, and then we went outside. Parker Dean asked me if he could help me pull weeds. That child. He is so good. So Parker Dean and I pulled weeds in one of many beds at the house while Logan rode his scooter up and down the sidewalk. That child. He is so fun. By noon I had 2 beds weeded and bushes trimmed. It was sunny and warm, which was a nice change from the recent day after day rain that we've experienced. Change isn't all bad. Then we attended a graduation party for a babysitter who is more like a part of our family. I was told over and over again how polite and well-behaved my children are. It was a proud moment. We went to a movie store (yeah, they still have those here, and we love ours!), picked up a few movies since it's supposed to rain again over the weekend, and returned home. With the help of these amazing boys, I planted 2 plum trees in the backyard. We are growing together. I cooked a pork tenderloin and hash brown casserole tonight, and we spent the evening watching movies. We spent a little time with Jimmy and Lizzy on Facetime today, and i wrapped up my evening with James, playing a game of Yahtzee over Facetime. We do love a good game night. It was a perfect day. It was so perfect, that I am ending it with this entry because I forgot that today was my 6 year celebration mark.

I forgot. I actually said to James, "Tomorrow is my 6-year cancerversary!" To which he responded, "Happy anniversary, Baby...it's today." It took me a minute to realize it was actually the 27th. I forgot. For the first time in 6 years, I felt free in my body. It is no longer occupying my mind every minute of every day, counting. And for that I am so very grateful. 

6 years is my happiest anniversary yet. I am so blessed with my family, my health, and this newfound forgetfulness. I love that I can live in the moment and celebrate the small victories of today as normal Saturday without the lingering "new normal." My 6-year follow-up was a great success. Labs and scans look perfect and no concerns otherwise. So blessed. 

Lord, thank you for the gift of today. Thank you for the time I've spent with my family near and far. Thank you for allowing me to remember the joys and celebrations in my life, and thank you for bringing me to a place of peace in my heath journey. Thank you for bringing me to a place of forgiveness in my diagnosis. Forgiveness for the time it took to get there; for the time that was taken away from my children; for the anxieties. Help me to remember the good, and to delight in forgetfulness from time to time. Amen. 

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