Friday, February 24, 2012

Bad Boyfriend


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 24, 2012 7:43 PM, EST
Bad Boyfriend
What girl hasn't had a bad boyfriend? You know the guy - he's a sweetheart, doting on your every whim in the beginning, and then puts his own needs in front of yours when the relationship hits a plateau? Oh, yes, we all know that guy

I should have recognized my first bad boyfriend when he kicked me to the curb, didn't return my phone calls, and spent all night "talking" to a girl on the beach. Yes, I should have recognized him then. Instead, it was Valentine's Day. I was a college student, pretending to be a struggling artist, so I had no money for extravagant gifts. So my gift was to clean, and I mean spic and span clean this college guy's 2 bedroom apartment. Have you ever been in a college guy's apartment? They use the same towel too many days in a row, don't clean a single hair out of a bathroom, and rarely do dishes. This was a hell of a Valentine's present is what I'm getting at. And it took longer than I expected.  Saving the worst for last, I was on my hands and knees in the bathroom, literally scrubbing the floor with a toothbrush and Clorox (I told you it was spic and spanclean). Now in order for you to get the true image of this bathroom, you have to realize that framed on the wall behind the potty was a poster that depicted at least 12 different kinds of poo, each with a cartoon illustration, a title, and a description. Because what cartoon poo with a name wouldn't be complete without a description? Now, I'm all for a little potty humor, but really? Do we really need to name poo "The Cliffhanger?"

So I'm on the floor, scrubbing, and I get bonked on the head. I look up at bad boyfriend with a $5.99 bouquet of roses from Winn Dixie. And I know this because the lime green Winn Dixie price tag is still on the roses, which are now lying on the floor in front of me. As bad boyfriend walks toward the kitchen, he shouts, "Happy Valentine's Cinderella." And that lime green price tag got a little brighter. And that was that...Cinderella left for the ball.

Bad boyfriend number 4 (BB4) was the one who punched a hole through the wall when I told him I was moving to Wisconsin. The two in between aren't worth discussing. BB4 and I got back together when he met me halfway a couple of month after I moved to Wisconsin...I don't even pretend to need a lecture about why I let that happen. But when I broke up with him while falling for my study buddy Nathan, he called my house (or the basement of Mama's house) about 6 times in the middle of the night to berate me, telling me he was coming to get me and kick my you-know-what...blah, blah, blah.  So I did what any self-respecting girl would have done - I took my phone off the hook. And then my Mama's phone started ringing. Oh, no he didn't. Bad move BB4. That was the last I heard of him. Thank heavens.

I know it sounds funny to compare cancer to a bad boyfriend, but it's kind of true. It's the ultimate bad relationship - unhealthy, out of control, affecting you in ways you never thought possible. He takes over your body, tries to kill your spirit, and plays with your head. He keeps you from spending time with your friends and family - he wants you all to himself. He can't think outside the box. He does a Mexican hat dance on your sense of humor. And it takes an army to get rid of him. And when he's gone, you're left wondering what you've learned from this experience...how has this changed you forever in a good way? How have you grown from this relationship?

I was growing closer to my study buddy (and best boyfriend I ever had) in 2002 when American Idol first aired in 2002. Nathan and I had been together for a year, been through a horrible car accident, and had absolutely nothing in common. And yet, we found a balance. We still believe in having some time apart to participate in activities that we enjoy separately. This helps us to keep our individual identities while we grow together as a couple. American Idol was one of my things. I watched that first season like the rest of America - engulfed in the idea that someone was going to live the American dream post-9/11. If you think about it, American Idol was a form of propaganda, allowing Americans to live vicariously through the lives of these teenagers singing for a big break. Suddenly Super Bowl commercial spots didn't seem like such a big deal...if you wanted a spot, you wanted it during American Idol. And who could forget watching Kelly Clarkson win the first title that year, blowing America away with A Moment Like This? Who would have thought that the winner of that show would win 12 Billboard Awards, 2 AMAs and 6 Grammys?

I was driving home today, and Kelly Clarkson was blasting away her newest song on Louisville's favorite pop station. The lyrics, while clearly about a bad boyfriend, reminded me that even though I had a couple of duds, I am stronger for the experiences. And I am ten times stronger for the worst "bad boyfriend" I've ever had - the one named Cancer.

Stronger

You know the bed feels warmer,
Sleeping here alone,
You know I dream in color,
And do the things I want. 

You think you got the best of me 
Think you had the last laugh
Bet you think that everything good is gone.

Think you left me broken down
Think that I'd come running back
Baby you don't know me, cause you're dead wrong. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone.

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, Myself and I 
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller 
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone. 

You heard that I was starting over with someone new,
They told you I was moving on over you, 
You didn't think that I'd come back ,I'd come back swinging 
You try to break me but you see
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger 
stand a little taller 
doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone. 

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
doesn't mean I'm over cause your gone. 

what doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, myself and I 
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

Thanks to you I got a new thing started
Thanks to you I'm not the broken hearted
Thanks to you I'm finally thinking 'bout me 

You know in the end the day I left was just my beginning..... in the end...

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter
Footsteps even lighter
doesn't mean I'm over cause you gone. 

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, stronger
Just me, Myself and I 
What doesn't kill you makes you stronger
Stand a little taller 
Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone. 

And now, it's 10 years later...the judges have changed, but it's really the same old fabulous American Idol. Since Steven Tyler has joined the judges table, Nathan has joined me in one of my favorite pastimes. And on Valentine's Day, I came home to Nathan sitting on the floor with our two boys, each of them with a sunflower in hand. Logan shouted, "You are our sunshine, Mommy!" It was the best Valentine's moment ever. Cinderella's come a long way, and the shoe fits. Our relationship has evolved over the last 11 years, and the things we like and are willing to do to spend time together have evolved. And Nathan is still the best boyfriend I ever had...but he needs to be gentle, because as strong as I am, I am equally fragile. After all, I've just recently ended a really, really bad relationship.

Sunday, February 12, 2012

Taking the Long Way


SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2012 6:47 PM, EST
Taking the Long Way
I have heard that it can be therapeutic for you to write a letter to your former self, and since I have made a habit of sharing my therapy with the rest of the world, I figured I would get some things off my chest (pun intended). I have always been a no-regrets kind of girl. Your experiences make you who you are, and I like the person I’ve become. But I was listening to a little Dixie Chicks this weekend (yes, I can get past their unpatriotic lack of support for the President a few years ago), and some words hit me square in the middle of the forehead.  It’s not even worth sharing only a little bit of the song because in order to understand the message, you have to hear the whole thing.

Taking the Long Way
Words & Music by Emily Robison, Martie Maguire, Natalie Maines, Dan Wilson
My friends from high school
Married their high school boyfriends
Moved into houses
In the same ZIP codes where their parents live

But I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow

I hit the highway
In a pink RV with stars on the ceiling
Lived like a gypsy
Six strong hands on the steering wheel

I’ve been a long time gone now
Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down
But I’ve always found my way somehow

By takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
Takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around

I met the queen of whatever
Drank with the Irish and smoked with the hippies
Moved with the shakers
Wouldn’t kiss all the asses that they told me to

No I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow

It’s been two long years now
Since the top of the world came crashing down
And I’m getting’ it back on the road now

But I’m takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
I’m takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
The long
The long way around

Well I fought with a stranger and I met myself
I opened my mouth and I heard myself
It can get pretty lonely when you show yourself
Guess I could have made it easier on myself

But I
I could never follow
No I
I could never follow

Well I never seem to do it like anybody else
Maybe someday, someday I’m gonna settle down
If you ever want to find me I can still be found

Takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around
Takin’ the long way
Takin’ the long way around…..

I’ve been a lot of people, searched a lot of souls, smiled a million smiles to become the woman I am today…and when I look back on my former self, I have to admit that I would do some things a little differently if I could end up in the same place.
Someone once told me that in order to heal, you have to be at peace with yourself and with your world. Here is my attempt at that.

Dear Bean @ 13,
At thirteen, you couldn’t possibly imagine the world ahead of you. One day, you have the most important job you could possibly be given – you will be a mother.  You will have boys (yes, BOYS!), and you will know exactly what to do with them as if that was the plan all along. You will cry when they are hurting; you will love like you have never loved before, and you will give up a whole year of your life to be with them as long as possible.
You know how Mama is your best friend? That will change when you are about 17. It’s a natural progression, and you will find at 22 that she is indeed your best friend, and has been all along. Go easy on her. She does everything she does and enforces every rule out of nothing but love. You will not have the capacity to truly comprehend this until you have become a mother yourself, and even then you cannot completely understand someone until you have walked in their shoes (red peep toe heels not withstanding). You will be more like her in looks, attitude, and mannerisms than you ever thought possible, or are willing to admit. This is a good thing…consider yourself lucky to have had her as a role model.
Your sisters are your friends. Although it may seem like the three of you are different, you are more alike than you like to admit. You are, after all, a product of the same gene pool. You will have a defining moment with Tiffany in a few years. You will embarrass her more than you could imagine, though that wasn’t your intent. She will tell you that she hates you and she never wants to talk to you again. This will break your heart, and you will never look at her the same. This moment will teach you that your actions directly impact the lives of other people. Jayme will be disappointed in you more than once. Live your life as if you know someone is looking to you for direction (even if she isn’t). She will kiss a boy before you do, and that will drive you crazy. She will have the best hair of anyone you’ve ever met, which will also drive you crazy.  
As a result of Father’s Day weekend next year, you will make a conscious decision to halt any relationship with your father. Remember that you are a child. But even children have to make an honest effort some time. You will make a choice that will leave you wondering the rest of your life if you are wanted – this is a feeling that no child should ever have. This will affect almost every decision you make throughout your high school and early college life, most of them poor choices. Your struggle in life will begin with this weekend. You will lose your core values. You will constantly search for approval and for male attention. You will bear hatred and it will grow in you and fester. You will seek solace in unhealthy behaviors and an unhealthy self-image, and you will hold these things against your father.  You will see him at his grandmother’s visitation, and you will hug him. You will feel that you have put the ball in his court, but the ball will not be returned. This will haunt you for many years, until you accept the relationship as it is – nothing at all. When your children are born, you will struggle with that absence further. You will wonder how a father could choose not to be a part of his children’s lives. Your grandmother’s death will bring you together in the same space. You will come to realize that there is a possibility that he views things about your past differently than you do. What will come of that reunion has yet to be determined.
You will quit ballet next year, and you will never wish that you hadn’t. You will find love in the theater, but this will not engage you physically. You will struggle with body image as a result of limited activity, and your love of food will further complicate this. You will learn to binge and purge as a way of life in your early teens, which will continue through early adulthood, as a means of control. Don’t let this rule your life. Take care of your body and learn to love exercise. A friend will tell you in your early 20s that if you exercise, you can eat whatever you want. This is good information that you should take to heart as early as possible.
Take care of your soul. In the coming years, you will find guidance at Montgomery’s Church of the Ascension. You will learn the importance of faith and love and acceptance here. Keep those things with you, and know that God is with you when you make all of those poor decisions, and that he loves you anyway. Your faith will get you through many stages of life.
At 17, you will fall in love with someone unexpected, and few people will ever have knowledge of it. It will be viewed as a betrayal, and as a result you will make a choice that goes against your heart to protect someone else’s feelings. If I had to do it over again, I would. Fall hard. Little relationships are worth the heartache that follows – this is one of them. You will have love and respect for this person for many years to come.
After kissing a few frogs, you will eventually fall in love with, and settle down with a man who grows with you, not against you. He will stand beside you through your darkest days, your hardest year. He will give you the greatest gifts in all the world – your sons. He will dance with you, comfort you, love and respect you, and he will put up with your nonsense. And you will love and respect him; you will be faithful; you will introduce him to fine food, travel and culture, and an accepting faith. Together, you will form a union that is strong and mighty. You will make an amazing team, and you will work together (both on and off the clock) well. You will pick at him too much. He will love you anyway. He will follow you across the country to allow you to follow your dreams. He will not resent you for this, so you cannot resent yourself. You make this decision together, and you are both better as a result of it.
You will be successful in school when you are ready. And you will be successful in your work. You find a blend of art and science in radiography (x-ray), and you find a natural ability in leadership. You must learn organization. It is not your strength now, and it will not be later in life. Knowing where to find things quickly is a must. You will draw from Mama’s resourcefulness. This will be one of your greatest strengths in business. Her cocktail parties will teach you three things: 1) Use your resources wisely; 2) Know where to find things; 3) and Make life fun when it doesn’t feel that way. Mama will tell you that your “charm” is your greatest strength – you will learn to use this to your advantage at an early age. You will draw from past experiences to succeed in the present. This is why you will excel in subjects like Math and Chemistry.
You will have 3 grandparents into your 30s. You will get to know them as adults, and this is a blessing. Treat them with dignity and respect always. They have mountains of wisdom and perspective that you will someday miss. Take advantage of the time that you have with them. Connect with them at every opportunity.
You will make lifelong friends in high school and beyond. Listen to your grandmothers and don’t judge a book by its cover – get to know someone before you determine that you aren’t a good match. Don’t spend too much time trying to repair a trust that is broken. But spend lots of time on the relationships that are totally worth it. Meredith, Nicole, Jacci, Paul, Cathy and Kerrie are names you should remember. They are spread far and wide, and you will lean on them each from time to time in different ways.
You will over analyze everything – to a fault. Just because you can figure out the story line to Days of Our Lives before the dramatic irony sets in does not make you a psychic in real life. Have a little more faith in people. They have other things to worry about than what impact their decisions will have on you. The sooner you realize this, the less stressful your life will be. That said, try to see what impact your decisions will make on other’s lives. Live your life with an air of Southern hospitality…no matter where you are.
Love who you are, not who you will become. If you are disappointed in your actions, chances are that someone else is, too. Learn to apologize for your actions, not for someone’s feelings or perception. Check your ego from time to time. Fight hard for what you believe in. Fight hard…period. Love and laugh and cry a little bit. All of these things are healthy. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of those you love. Don’t smoke. Drink lots of water. Eat clean. Exercise. Take time to play with and teach your children – when they have left your home, will you wish you had spent more time at work, or more time with them?  Say I love you even when you are angry. Find work-life balance. Choose to be happy…always. Love your body – there is no telling how long you will have it…or what parts of it you will get to keep.  And never give up on life. Life will never give up on you.
Love always,
Bean @ 33


As we drive along this road called life, occasionally a gal will find herself a little lost. And when that happens, I guess she has to let go of the coulda, shoulda, woulda, buckle up and just keep going.
~ Carrie Bradshaw