Clara and Polly - Alter Egos

TUESDAY, OCTOBER 4, 2011 7:57 PM, EDT

Clara and Polly - Alter Egos

When I was 12 years old, it was my year. I was going to be Clara.I had long awaited the day when the castings were posted. I would humbly accept the responsibility of the lead role in the Montgomery Ballet's adaptation of The Nutcracker. There were always two leads who rotated performances to give each girl a break between shows - the other would be Mara Moody, of course. She was a shoe-in - the best dancer in my classical ballet class, and my best friend. It was going to be my big stage debut.

We were in class during the posting. We spent three 2-hour nights a week in ballet class at this point, and that was outside of Nutcracker season. It was a rigorous life for a 12 year old, and I couldn't think of anything better. We were almost to the point of being weighed every week to a disappointing "Lose 5 pounds by next weigh-in - we don't really care how you do it"...and I couldn't wait! Our hearts pounded so hard that night in class that we didn't even need a piano accompaniment. I asked to go to the bathroom twice during class, hoping to be the first to get a glimpse of the cast list. But they were on to my shenanigans. The cast list was posted during the last few seconds of our class. They literally stood by the door as it was posted so that we couldn't charge the bulletin board. We were like 12 caged animals, impatiently waiting for feeding time. And then the flood gates opened. We rushed the bulletin board in a crowd of squeals and smiles and Oh my Gods! And the world stopped. Mara...and Heather?! Heather was the second Clara? How could this be?! It was like an MTV music video when MTV showed music videos! I was suddenly floating backwards in slow motion while the rest of the world continued on...and on...and on...squeals and smiles and Oh My Gods before me...continuing on. Didn't they read the cast list? How could they be so happy? Didn't they see that I wasn't Clara?

Hands grabbed my numb shoulders and moved my sluggish body in a direction unbeknownst to me. I resumed a normal blood flow in the office of the dance studio with Miss Norma (who I lovingly referred to as my second Mom - note "Mom," not Mama...there is no second Mama - because of the amount of time I spent in the dance studio). Miss Norma asked me if I wanted to call my Mama. I said yes. I could barely get the words out of my mouth over the inevitable tears. I told Mama the disappointing news, and I don't even remember what she said to me then...the real wisdom came later. But Norma pointed out that I didn't even tell her the good news...the good news?! What good news?! Didn't you see, Heath-er got Clara!! Miss Norma pointed out that I was named the Harlequin Doll...a staple solo at the Nutcracker opening party scene, and a certain upgrade from any part that I had previously played. It was an amazing part, and I smiled. But deep down, I was broken.

Mama curled up in the bed with me that night and quoted a Garth Brooks song..."Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." And deep down, she fixed me. She was right. I didn't know then why I didn't get Clara...maybe it had less to do with me not getting it, and more to do with Heather and Mara needing that. They were both beautiful on stage, and they both continued to dance later. I guess in some strange way, this sparked a philosophy that would stick with me later in life..and guide me.

I was a senior in high school when our music and theater directors decided that Crazy For You would be our annual musical production. I remember walking in from school and telling Mama, "I am auditioning for the Spring Musical." She unassumingly asked, "Oh, really, what part?" I shrugged my shoulders, and said as seriously as I could, "The lead." It was such a silly question. I mean, go big or go home, right?! Mama was supportive of anything we wanted to do, so this was no different, but she responded, "But you don't know how to sing!"

She was technically right. The only experience I had with music aside from the children's choir at church years before was singing with my cousins in a "band" we dubbed "Wilson Tatum," largely in part because we sang Wilson Phillips songs that were playing on the jam box. Still, there was no reason why I couldn't try. And try I did...but I also used a little strategy. I researched the Broadway musical Crazy For You, bought a CD, and went from there. Turns out that the young lady who played the lead Polly in the Broadway production also sang Ariel's songs in Disney's The Little Mermaid. How better to prove that I can sing those songs than to sing "Part of That World" from The Little Mermaid? Strategy. I also hired a terrific voice coach, Bill Taylor. Bill worked with me a couple of days per week, and he taught me how to breathe, how to find my "voice," and how to use it. He taught me how to sing. And damn if I wasn't Polly in Crazy For You the next Spring! 

I worked harder for that production than I have worked for anything. I had something to prove to myself - I was lead worthy. And that last night, in that white dress, there was nothing in the world like those bright lights illuminating my face. It-was-amazing. I was there.

I decided a long time ago that it was too easy to focus on what I don't have. Through my rose colored glasses, I decided to focus on what I do have. And I guess that's what sparked in me when Mama was talking to me that night about unanswered prayers. We wish and we hope and we pray for health, happiness, and tangible things...sometimes we get them, and sometimes we don't. And somehow things work out the way they are "supposed" to. Somehow we become stronger for what we don't have...and we earn them. Somehow we realize that we were made better without the things we thought we needed. Somehow it all makes sense because we get what we need...and when we learn to focus on what we do have, we can be truly happy. 

So I know that somehow this will all makes sense in the end...and I also know that what I have is a shrinking tumor! God has answered so many prayers this week, and I am so there! My MRI report came back today, and my tumor is markedly smaller, with less blood flow! That means that it is pretty safe to assume that the Pacific Yew Tree has also been hard at work on that rif-raf in my blood, too! What a great start to Breast Cancer Awareness month...for those of you who've never seen a production - this is where I get a standing ovation!! And then I curtsy and gesture to thank YOU...and to thank God for saving the answered prayers for when they really count!

Bean