Friday, April 20, 2012

Hey Soul Sisters!


FRIDAY, APRIL 20, 2012 9:41 PM, EDT
Hey Soul Sisters!
A soulmate (or soul mate) is believed by some to be the person with whom one has a feeling of deep or natural affinity, similarity, love, sex, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality, or compatibility. A related concept is that of the twin flame or twin soul, which is thought to be the ultimate soulmate.

Plato
In his dialogue The SymposiumPlato has Aristophanes present a story about soul mates. Aristophanes states that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces, but Zeus feared their power and split them all in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for the other half to complete them.
Theosophy
According to Theosophy, whose claims were modified by Edgar Cayce, God created androgynous souls—equally male and female. Later theories postulate that the souls split into separate genders, perhaps because they incurred karma while playing around on the Earth, or "separation from God." Over a number of reincarnations, each half seeks the other. When all karmic debt is purged, the two will fuse back together and return to the ultimate.
I took the entries above from Wikipedia (I know, real credible source, right?). I’ve always held the romantic notion thateverything happens for a reason, that the people we encounter along the way will affect us in some great way that we may not recognize right away, and that we are rarely cognizant of the effect that we have on others. But this put a different spin on that. The sheer thought that God may split our souls and allow us to connect to them in human form is just lovely to me…Lovely, but I don’t know if I can wrap my head around that. What I do think is that there are people that you meet throughout your life who are a piece of your life puzzle…your life is more complete for meeting them…somehow they bring something to you that was missing. This is what I feel a soul mate is…and I believe that we have many of them. Jerry Maguire said it best when he said, “You complete me.” Every time we meet another soul mate, our puzzle is more complete than it was before. I could further theorize that when your life puzzle is complete, you have served your purpose. Romantically, we would not die until after we have served our purpose.
When we moved to Reno, Nevada, Nathan and I didn’t know a soul, more or less mates. I met a couple of people who I consider to be pieces of my life puzzle. One of these people was Christine Meyers. Christine and I shared an office together in the Radiology Department, and we shared a lot more than that! That girl truly knows more about me than I know about myself! She’s just one of those fabulous people you can truly put your trust in and tell her all the sordid details of your head…and I did. And I learned a lot from her. She had a theory that your life is a cup, and you fill it up as you go, and you get to choose what you put in your cup, or how you fill your cup. She would always say, “I’m going to ride (my horses) this weekend. What are youdoing to fill your cup?” She called me Bean as if she knew me my whole life. Love her. Christine was a free spirit, and I felt like me around her. She is one of my puzzle pieces…one of my soul mates.
Nathan is, of course, one of the biggest pieces of my puzzle. Our puzzles are fused. We have truly grown together through experiences that tear couples apart. And we built a beautiful family of two boys, Logan and Parker...also soul mates. My life would truly be incomplete without them - they were always missing before they were there.
I have always referred to my Granny as a soul mate. Sometimes I have so much of my mother’s mother in me that I feel like she’s around even when she isn’t anywhere close. I used to curl up next to Granny on the couch and pull her transparent and soft, aged skin between my forefinger and thumb. There was so much knowledge in that skin – so frail and thin, even when I was a little girl. And it is transparent and soft still. My Granny, my soul mate. One of few things that Granny can actually remember now is beauty. If I remember only one thing when I am in my eighties, I hope it is that I and the children who came behind me are forever beautiful. Granny and I have few conversations at this stage in her life that revolve around anything other than age and beauty…and it all starts with that skin. That skin has been passed down to generations, and we are lucky to have it.
People often ask me how I found Dr. Quintero. He was one of 3-4 people my breast surgeon recommended, and I interviewed all of them. I felt that my reconstructive surgeon should have a strong bedside manner. I was going to be working with this person for over a year, and the end results were to be permanent. So a relationship with this person was thought to be of great importance. Who would have known that my reconstructive surgeon would be a soul mate? I knew when I met Dr. Q that he was my choice for reconstruction, which essentially consists of the whole expansion process, implants, ongoing tweaking, and potentially adding nipples later down the road. And there you have it – relationship building. Who knew he would connect me to my new favorite girlfriends, Yvette and Shelby.
After a 5 hours surgery, I awoke with (finally!) my new body…and I mean that it is unrecognizable from just a few short days ago. My new friends are high and mighty (they will settle with time)…and HUGE! They were much larger than I expected them to be, but Dr. Q says not to get too attached because they are quite swollen. To put things into perspective, a cosmetic surgeon cuts into the breast with the smallest incision possible. The cosmetic surgeon then places the implant under the muscle, covers it with breast tissue consisting of fat, ducts and lobules, and then stitches the newly sculpted chest. This, my friends, is a boob job. I did not have a boob job.
Wednesday Dr. Q cut into the scars that were created as a result of my bilateral (double-sided) mastectomy (essentially my breast surgeon Dr. Hatmaker carved all of the breast tissue – fat, ducts and lobules). He pulled out the 650cc and 700cc expanders and evaluated the space for the new silicone implants. Dr. Q placed some pig skin (yes, there are so many jokes that we could work with on this, but they would be so obvious) underneath my “skin flaps.” Skin flaps are the very thin pieces of skin and remaining breast tissue that Dr. H left behind after the mastectomy. They were less than ¼ inch thick on each side. When he showed me the pictures of my very thin skin flaps today, I couldn’t help but think about my Granny’s fabulous but paper thin skin in all of its beauty. Dr. Q placed 700 cc and 800 cc high profile implants (the way that my ribs sit, one had to be larger than the other) into the pockets that the expanders created. He stitched me up and surveyed his work. The term high profile refers to the projection of the implants, or how far they stick out. Even though I have 750 cc implants in, they are not covered by breast tissue – so the implant is literally ¼ inch underneath the surface of my skin. This is notcosmetic surgery. This is reconstruction. So we worry about different things. With cosmetic surgery, you worry about the symmetry, the beauty. But with reconstruction, you worry that the skin flaps will die without proper blood supply. We will worry about this until next Tuesday. If the skin flaps die, I will have no Yvette and Shelby…ever. I welcome prayers specific to blood supply. 
Because I have so little of my own tissue to work with, these massive new friends of mine would otherwise be misshapen if Dr. Q didn’t do what he did next…fat grafting. Essentially, he took fat from parts (as in multiple parts) of my body to inject it into my chest. He then molded it so that my chest appeared to have more padding. Let me start by saying that I don’t know why anyone would elect to have liposuction. This is one of the most unpleasant experiences of my life, and I say that after I’ve had chemotherapy! And yet, I just keep thinking what a nice tight body I’m going to have as a result of cancer – yeah, I know what you're thinking, but this isn’t exactly a great trade off, I can assure you of that. So for the next 3 weeks, I will wear a girdle that is equivalent to 3 sets of Spanx. It is tight! This will prevent blood clots and mold my body into a new shape. Suddenly I feel like I ought to be on a Weight Watchers commercial singing.
“Feeling Good”
Jennifer Hudson

Birds flying high
you know how I feel
Sun in the sky
You know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by
You know how I feel
It's a new day
And I'm feelin' good

Fish in the sea
You know how I feel
River runnin' free
you know how I feel

Blossom on a tree
You know how I feel
It's a new dawn, a new day
a new life for me
And I'm feelin' good

Dragonflies out in the sun
you know what I mean
don't you know
Butterflies all havin' fun
That's what I mean
Sleep in peace until the day is done
That's what I mean
And this old world is a new world

And a bold world
And I'm feelin' good

Stars when they shine
You know how I feel
Scent of the pine
You know how I feel
Oh freedom is mine
And I know how I feel
It's a new dawn, a new day
a new life for me
And I'm feelin' good


It's a new day
I'm feelin' good
It's a new day
I'm feelin' good
It's a new day
I'm feelin' good
It’s been a long year, but I like to think that my last surgery was Wednesday, and that this surgery introduced me to my newest soul mates Yvette and Shelby. That thought brings me a certain sense of closure, and an even greater peace. Throughout this life, and especially this process, I have been pieced together, like a puzzle. I know that there are soul mates out there who I have yet to discover, and as I find them I will find more of me. One thing is for certain, I have not yet served my purpose, and I’m not entirely sure that this life puzzle has any borders at all.

Saturday, April 14, 2012

Dear PITAs...Farewell.


SATURDAY, APRIL 14, 2012 2:51 PM, EDT
Dear PITAs...Farewell.
Dear PITAs,
I wanted to thank you for the space that you’ve created for Yvette and Shelby. They should be warm and cozy in those spaces.
I don’t really have anything else to say to you. You are hard as rocks, and you will not be missed. Soon I will be able to roll over in the middle of the night without feeling you not moving beneath my skin. Soon I will be able to nestle two young heads against a soft and supple chest, giving them hugs as a mother should be able to. And I will no longer feel that your hard surface will hurt their little noggins.
Wednesday March 18, you will be replaced – not because you are malfunctioning or broken, but because your purpose here has been served. Your time is over. One day we will all meet this fate, and I am grateful that your purpose helped me realize that mine is not yet fulfilled.  
With a 4 hour surgery, you will be gone. At least with you, I know what I have! The fear of the unknown is getting to me a little with Yvette and Shelby...My mastectomy left me fearful of what the lymph node biopsy would show. When that came back clear, I was just relieved. With this surgery, I feel this pretty overwhelming sense of anxiety. I've always had a pretty decent confidence level, and I just want to be able to love my permanent body...and I hope that God doesn't use this as a lesson in patience. 
Please accept this as your farewell. There will be no more tears shed for you. There will be no memorial. This is all you get.
Tootles,
Bean