A Baby Changes Everything

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 23, 2011 7:56 PM, EST

A Baby Changes Everything

I remember sitting in the audience watching my first production of The Nutcracker. Joy Kennamer was Clara. She was a friend of my sister Tiffany's, and she was amazing. I was nine years old the first time I was in the Montgomery Ballet's annual production of The Nutcracker. I can still hear Don Steffy's voice in a dark theater as he introduced "The Nutcracker" in an almost ominous tone. It was magical. And every year was memorable. But my most memorable Nutcracker performance was my second year. I was a Ginger Snap. There was something wonderful about being the comic relief in the ballet that drew me in. If I could have been a Ginger Snap every year, I would have been! But unfortunately those little clown-like costumes only fit a 10 year-old mold. We crouched under the skirt of a Montgomery banker, politician or the like (which apparently added to the comic relief for the audience), crowded beneath his giant hoop skirt. And on cue, we came out two by two, arms waving and clown wigs shaking. It was more than comical, it was just plain fun. At the end of the performance, I was to be left behind by my pack, make an exaggerated look of surprise to the audience, and run off stage. I added a little impromptu choreography - I jumped with the look of surprise, did a cart wheel, and blew a kiss to my Granny in the audience (it was her birthday). That choreography stuck for years...I was so proud!

Nutcracker was so fun, but it was a LOT of work. We spent a whole semester learning the choreography, perfecting the timing, and fitting costumes. We spent so much time together that we became a family.  The company dancers taught us how to apply make-up - a red dot in the inside corner of your eyes widens and brightens them on stage. The man who did the lights back stage called me "Mouth." I can't imagine why!  

All of that work led up to a 3 day weekend of several performances. And every year after Nutcracker, I would get sick. My body was worn, exhausted. And I was left with a funny kind of depression...kind of a now what?! Mama dealt with this every year. And every year it was an emotional time.

This cancer stuff has really been no different from a great big Nutcracker if I think about it. I've had the opportunity to muster up every inch of energy in my body to continue my activities of daily living while learning all the rights steps. Chemo wore my body down like a semester's worth of rehearsals. Surgery was kind of the performance, and recovery was...well, it was kind of a drag. And you have been quite the audience. This has been my best performance ever, and yet I was left with a bit of a sadness and depression - this feeling is indescribable. It was less like a textbook depression, and more like a thumbprint - a unique identifier that leaves an impression. It's so hard to describe the feeling of loneliness that a survivor goes through when it is "all over." This is especially difficult when I have had (and continue to have) all of the support that I've had throughout this journey. And when I think that one in every 8 (yes, 1 in 8) women is diagnosed with breast cancer in a lifetime, it befuddles me that I could feel the slightest bit of this loneliness. I guess that's part of this "new normal" - I'll call this the now what?! stage.

I was driving home today, and of course I was listening to the all Christmas, all the time station on the radio. When what, to my wondering ears should appear, but a song that reminds me not only that Christmas is not about the performance,  but it is indeed about thenow what?! stage. It you haven't heard this Faith Hill song, please take the time to watch the video. It invokes one of the most powerful versions of the Nativity that I have ever experienced. And it hit home to me today on so many levels. 

A Baby Changes Everything lyrics

Songwriters: Nichols, James Timothy; Wiseman, Craig Michael; Wiseman, Kim;

Teenage girl, much too young

Unprepared for what's to come

A baby changes everything

Not a ring on her hand

All her dreams and all her plans

A baby changes everything

A baby changes everything

The man she loves she's never touched

How will she keep his trust?

A baby changes everything

A baby changes everything

And she cries!

Ooh, she cries

Ooh, oh

She has to leave, go far away

Heaven knows she can't stay

A baby changes everything

She can feel it's coming soon

There's no place, there's no room

A baby changes everything

A baby changes everything

And she cries!

And she cries!

Oh, she cries

Shepherds all gather 'round

Up above the star shines down

A baby changes everything

Choir of angels sing

Glory to the newborn King

A baby changes everything

A baby changes everything

Everything, everything, everything

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

Hallelujah

My whole life has turned around

I was lost but now I'm found

A baby changes everything, yeah

A baby changes everything

I was first introduced to this song when I was pregnant with Logan. I shared it with BF Nicole when she was first pregnant with Deacon. There just isn't a way that you can possibly explain to a woman with no children exactly how having a baby "changes everything" without terrifying her. But these words, paired with the power of Faith Hill's voice remind us that we don't have a clue about how a baby changes everything...not until we look at how sweet baby Jesus changed the world. Now doesn't that put the season into perspective. 

I cried as I listened to the swells of the song, and I sang as if I haven't belted a tune in years. Yes, I was that dummy driving the reindeer car down the interstate, crying and singing...and it felt good. It felt good to feel something. And what I felt was more magical than any performance thrill or standing ovation. It was love. In a few short verses, I was reminded of the reason for the season, pulled out of my now what?! thumbprint, and why I spent so much energy fighting this thing to begin with...because a baby (or two babies in this case) changes everything. Because I wanted to be here for those babies and see how they change the world...what kind of thumbprint they leave behind. And for the first time in a couple of months, I really smiled. And I felt. I felt love.

When I arrived home today, there was a shipping box at my door. Living away from family, especially during Christmas week, this is not an oddity. The shipping label read "This is not a return address. UPS Store." That caught my attention as strange, but again, it is Christmas...we have had packages at the door almost daily for a couple of weeks. I opened it. What I found among the Styrofoam peanuts was a delicately wrapped ball in tissue paper...and a note. The note was from Joy Kennamer Ohme...the same Joy who was Clara in my first ever Nutcracker experience. What timing! I opened the tissue paper to find a ball ornament that has my name in glitter on one side and "Survivor" on the other. Tears filled my eyes, and I fell sobbing to the floor - not for what I have done, but for what I will do. It was the end of my now what?! stage, and the beginning of my next stage...living. 

Merry CHRISTMAS!

Bean