The infamous "they" say that the opposite of love is not hate, but indifference. The first time I heard that, I realized that I had wasted my energy "hating" a couple of people in my life, when I really just felt "indifferent" about them. It takes a lot less energy to feel indifferent. Hate is a really strong word, but it's not the worst thing in the world when you really think about it...and "hateful" is kind of fun - it is a charming little adverb.
Big sis Tiffany says it all the time, "Now you're just being hateful" or "That was justhateful." It is such a great Southern phrase.
Example: Chemo, if you are killing my cancer cells, I love you. If not, I am indifferent. But Chemo, the numbness and tingling - Now that is just hateful!
Whatever it is you are doing in this body of mine, I can assure you that this time that we've shared together is O-V-E-R. This has been both the longest and shortest 4 months of my life, and I am done with you. In fact, I have a song I'd like to share with you...
You Just slip out the back, Jack
Make a new plan, Stan
You don't need to be coy, Roy
Just get yourself free
Hop on the bus, Gus
You don't need to discuss much
Just drop off the key, Lee
And get yourself free
There are, according to Paul Simon, 50 Ways to Leave Your Lover. So get on with your bad self, Chemo.
My follow-up MRI is Friday. I will leave there with images and no report, and then I will get the report on Monday. I will pray every minute from now until then that you are effective in destroying these cells that seek to destroy my life with my husband and my beautiful children. I will continue to pray that the MRI shows shrinkage, which will indicate that the rogue cells (the "Rif-Raf") are also dying. And so Chemo, while I don't want to appear ungrateful, it is not with mixed feelings that I bid you adieu. I love you. As much as I love my own life, I love you. I love every bit of the nausea and the exhaustion. I love the day-dream like state. I love the forgetfulness of chemo-brain, and the reaching for words that I have known for 20 years. I love the joint pain and aching. I love the anxiety and the waiting. I love the days I spent in bed that took a mother away from her children. I love the boredom of the chemo suite. I love the time I've spent with Mama. I love the airport hugs I've received from my nieces. I love the baldness. I love the scarves and the drippy earrings. I love the support and the endless prayers. I would live every last minute with you again if it meant that I could be here another 50 years. I will not miss you, but I love you. I cannot tell you enough that I love you, and that it is not with mixed feelings that I say goodbye. I cannot find enough ways to say goodbye.
Au Revoir. Farewell.(Blow a kiss). Bye, hun. Adios. Ciao. See ya on the flip side. Buh-bye, now, thank you for flying Bean's Cancer. Closing time. (Kiss, kiss). By-eee. Love ya! LYLAS. Syonara. (Silent wave.) Auf weidersehen. TTFN. Goodbye. Later gator. (Middle finger). Last call! Good riddance. TTYL. Godspeed. Hasta la vista. I'm out. Na-na-na-na, na-na-na-na, hey, hey, hey, goodbye. (Princess wave). Unhello. Mwa! May the force be with you. Peace. Cheerio! Aloha. So long. Arrivaderci. F*CK off!(Sorry...Mama says there are very limited times where the F-bomb is appropriate in life, but I think that even she can agree that this is one of them.) Bye, y'all! Hasta manana, iguana. You don't have to go home, but you can't stay here! C U L8R. BRB. (Wave fingers only.) Pip pip. I'll miss you (not!). Keep it real. Peace out. Tallyhoo. Get yourself free. Ta-ta (so appropriate).
My all time favorite goodbye...Tootles.
Bean
PS Turns out, there are more than 50 ways...
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