One Day This Will Mean Something

Sunday, October 30, 2011 1:49 PM, EDT

One Day This Will Mean Something

 
Dear Logan, 

I have to admit that it is possible that you will stumble upon this blog one day, and that you will be completely embarrassed about how open I have been about my life and my breasts…soooo inappropriate! Oh, well…Should you stumble upon this when you are a teenager, and I am so very uncool, there are things that I’d like for you to take from it.

When you discover how big the whole wide world really is, know that I have loved you beyond that since the day I knew you were growing inside me. I just couldn’t figure out how to describe anything that big. Bigger than a globe, or a map, or a GPS screen – I love you. Bigger than the trees and the air and the whole wide world – I love you. Bigger than the stars and the moon and all that lies beyond that – I love you.

Remember that you used to want me to “nuggle” you before nap time and ni-night time. Know that you used to play with my hair, no matter the length…even when the number of hairs on my head were numbered, you played with them. You told me every night that I was cute.

You said at bedtime, "You sing songs for me? You sing two songs?" And I would sing songs for you until you said, "Okay, I done!" And you would shove me out of your bed. You were a BIG fan of Dixie Chicks!

You would tell me that you didn’t want any more kisses, and I would say, “I’ll kiss you anytime I want!” And I would kiss you many kisses…and you would laugh. Then you would grab my cheeks and say with vigor, “I kiss I want!” And you would kiss me many kisses.

Even though when you discovered Spiderman, and you wanted me to change the song to “Spiderman and Moonbeam,” and I sang it that way, I still sang “Sunshine and Moonbeam” in my head. You are, and you always will be my Sunshine, even when you don’t want to be. You brightened my life the day you were born.

I know that you will have friends and a brother forever and ever, but your Daddy and I melt when you say, “We are all bestest buddies forever and ever.” That is an amazing feeling.

You are a pretty incredible big brother. When Parker was born, it was an adjustment for you, as it is for most “bigs.” But the more interactive Parker got, the more interested in him you became. You calmed him when he cried by singing “Twinkle Twinkle.” He looked at you like you were the coolest thing ever!

When I was pregnant with Parker, I would rock you like a baby and say in a very annoying and high-pitched voice, “Are you my ba-by?” And you would say, “No, I your big boy!” Then when Parker was born, I would ask you the same question, and you would answer, “YES!” You will ALWAYS be my baby. You both will.

I hope that when you stumble upon this as a teenager, and I am so very uncool, this explains a little bit why I am the way I am…and I hope you realize how hard I fought to be your Mama for a very long time. I hope you know that there was never a moment where I didn’t want to hold you, but that there were many that I did want to hold you but physically couldn’t. I hope you realize the amount of respect that I have for members of my own family, and that you carry this respect with you in your own life. I hope that you are making good choices. I hope you still fit into a pumpkin. I hope you protect your brother. I hope you are bestest buddies. I hope you love strong, and that you find something in you like your Daddy did years ago that allows you to live freely and without regret.  I hope you find great love. I hope you have faith and I hope you have passion. I hope that you never suffer anything. I hope you realize that if I cried when you were little that it was all out of fear. I hope you are healthy and happy and everything in between - always.

I love you today and every day, Lo Bear –
Happy 3rd Birthday to my Sunshine.

Your Mama