Progress

WEDNESDAY, OCTOBER 12, 2011 7:23 PM, EDT

Progress

Normally, progression is not the word that you want to associate with cancer. Progression means that the cancer is growing...or spreading...usually despite treatment. I say that because if you are following the progress of your cancer, you are most likely following the response to treatment. Progression is not what you want to see.

So I use the word "progress" to describe me, not my tumor. My tumor is actually showing shrinkage, not progression. I, however, am showing great progress this week...I haven't written because I am able to focus with clarity. I am preparing at work for the surgical leave that will begin November 3 and last about 3 weeks, depending on how my recovery goes. Work is set. It will function fine without me because I have a very clear plan...and a lot of support from co-workers and team members. 

I feel healthy for the first time in...well, in months! I can tell that my blood count is back to normal. I have color in my cheeks, and it isn't grey! I have energy and can keep up with my children...I actually carried both boys out of daycare today - one in each arm. Now, this is no small feat - Logan (3 y/o at the end of the month) weighs 34lbs, and Parker (9 months last week) weighs a whopping 23.3lbs! That's 57 pounds that I carried to the car today, and you have no idea what a milestone that is! Over the past 4 months, I have carried one and fought the other to walk while holding my hand, and I would be out of breath by the time I got them both into the car. It feels amazing to be able to keep up with them again! I even crawled around on the floor with them today...

I have natural energy...as opposed to Sugar-Free Red Bull energy that brought me to my normal baseline. That's not cool. So I am weaning myself off of Red Bull, and trying to get back to my naturally energized self...one one coffee a day!

With all of this healthy feeling, I've noticed how terrible I've felt over the last 4 months. When the steroids wore off after every treatment, I was told I would feel like I had the flu...achy joints and such. It didn't really feel like that for me. I had severe, pulsating pain in my spine that started in my lower back and radiated up, occasionally as far up as the back of my neck. I noticed it more when I put any weight on my knees, which made it difficult to want to be on the floor with the kids. I also felt it a lot when I was trying to sleep. So pain meds became my friend when the steroids wore off. I'm actually kind of surprised that I had such an easy time coming off of them.

With the first round of chemo, I was so dry. My skin, my mouth, my GI Tract. If they had given me a liter of fluid every day during that first 2 months, I still wouldn't have made it. My migraines were worse than they've been in years. Mama would say that as they injected the 2nd of 2 drugs (Adriamycin) during that first 2 months, she could watch my face turn grey. And I felt it. It was draining the life out of me...and just when I started to feel better, it was time to start all over again.

The second round of treatments was much easier...just numbness, tingling, and a little peeling of my skin. Better than the first, but I wore down easily. I was just so tired.  My menses stopped during this round, so I officially no longer ovulate. I was perfectly convinced that Nathan and I would have 3 children (although he wasn't entirely convinced)...until my diagnosis. At that point, I knew that wasn't meant to be. And I am perfectly content with my 2 happy, healthy little boys. I am fortunate to have them. I just wish I could have kept up with them.

But with the ceasing of ovarian function comes hot flashes. These are for the birds. I have received lots of advice about hot flashes that I will share at a later date. The thing about chemo-induced ovarian function is this - it is generally permanent if the patient is over 35. I, however, am 32, so the theory is that my ovarian function will return if we let it. Ovarian function is important to stop if indeed my tumor is fed by estrogen. As long as my ovaries can produce estrogen, my tumor can grow or other tumors can be produced. We have to find a way to stop my ovaries from producing estrogen. Upside? No more periods...ever. Downside? Menopause. So here we have it...drug-induced menopause at 32. Mama says there is a bight side to this...are you ready for this? By the time all of my friends start menopause, I'll be done with the process. Now with all of Mama's words of wisdom, I do not understand this one. Perhaps I will see the bright side of that when it is applicable.

So how do you induce menopause with drugs, you ask? I will go to the Oncologist's office once a month beginning on the 19th to receive an injection in my stomach (just under the skin). When I asked how large the needle was, the nurses said, "It's a little smaller than a tic-tac." WHAT?! Okay, a tic-tac is small in reference to the mint world, but who on God's green earth wants to picture a needle the size of a tic-tac?! As it turns out, the "capsule" that stops my ovarian function is smaller than a tic-tac. The needle, on the other hand, is a little larger than the capsule...oh, that makes me feel sooooo much better.

So what's the alternative? Surgically removing my ovaries. I asked why we can't do this at the same time as my breast surgery. As it turns out, that 8-hr surgery will be long enough without adding an oopherectomy (taking out the ovaries...I just really like to say oopherectomy). And removing my ovaries raises the complication rate because it creates another place for an infection to occur. I get it. In addition, my medical oncologist adds, this gives us a trial period to make sure I don't go crazy since I am being forced into immediate menopause, where the normal process takes a number of years. I believe his words were, "If you don't kill your husband after a few months, we'll consider the oopherectomy." Do you know how many women have offered to send their husbands to my house in the month of November? I'm serious. No really, the running joke is about "Poker Night at the Frey House." 

At any rate, the hot flashes are bearable. And the pain has stopped. The migraines have subsided. My eye lashes are growing in slowly but surely...my hair is growing in blonde and curly! And most of all, I have energy. I have a busy October because I plan on having a rough recovery in November. I will fill you in on the details of my surgery in a few weeks...I am trying not to think about it until I have to. I have to admit, it makes me very emotional to think or talk about it...but then again, that could be the menopause...or progress!