Dear Chemo...#2

SATURDAY, JULY 9, 2011 9:27 AM, EDT

Dear Chemo...#2

Dear Chemo,

We have met twice, and now we have 6 more rendez vous to go...I am 25% done with our relationship. They say it takes half the time of the relationship to get over the relationship, but I have a feeling it won't take me that long.

You make me feel pregnant x 10. Ten times the nausea. Ten times the fatigue. Ten times the tired. Ten times the forgetfulness. Ten times the lack of creativity.

I am thankful that your side effects are predictable. 

Day 1 (Chemo Wed): Fluids before chemo. Best morning I have throughout the process. Premeds: a super bolus of Decadron (steroid) and Zofran (nausea) - This changes my vision for about 15 minutes - an annoying but bearable side effect. And then the hyper sets in, a side effect of the steroid that I rather enjoy. It's like I drank a giant Red Bull. And then the first chemo - Cytoxin. No immediate side effects. Then the second chemo - it is red and clear. It actually looks like poison. Mama says she can watch me turn grey as the nurse hand-injects the Adriamycin. My nurse Leslie calls this a "booger of a drug." If it spills outside of my port, it can blister my skin immediately...truly a poison. I try not to think about it too much because it kind of freaks me out....kind of like if I dwell on the fact that humans are smart enough that we have created electricity and cars and road systems...if you think about it too much, it's almost disturbing.

Leslie commented that she was surprised to see that I still had all of my hair. I asked if I might be one of those people that didn't lose their hair, and she said she doubted it...they've never seen anyoneon this drug do that...

Day 2: Wake up. Take steroids and nausea meds. Go to work. Steroids again are like a super-boost of energy.

Day 3: Same as day two with more nausea. Very tired by end of work day.

Day 4: Last day of steroids. No more targeted preventative nausea meds - move on to nausea treatment meds. Exhausted by 6pm. More nausea meds.

Day 5: Not as bad the second time around, which is not the norm. I rested but wasn't bedridden all day. I didn't actually miss a day with my kids. I was lying on the floor "playing" with them, but at least they had my attention.

My hair started hurting. It felt like someone was poking me in the scalp with a Christmas tree limb(Douglas Fir, specifically) that was far past its Christmas half life. And there were hairs everywhere. I could rub one spot of my head for about 3 minutes before that patch was completely bare. It would be nice, Chemo, if you could just take it all at the same time. It's hard to rock your baldness when you are not bald. 

Exhausted. All day.

Day 6: Thank heaven's Monday was a holiday. Duplicate of Sunday. Hair still hurting, more falling out. Still not bald. 

Side note: If you are going through chemo and you are losing your hair, you may get a wild hair (pun intended) and decide to help facilitate things. It is NOT, I repeat NOT, a good idea to lint roll your hair. Yes, I truly attempted this - and this was not a scholar moment that I am proud of.

Day 7: Back to work and feeling a little foggy. I seriously questioned whether or not I should be driving while I was on my way to work on Tuesday. Trouble is, I was halfway there, so it wouldn't have made any difference if I had turned around at that point. I felt like I was floating. I wore ballet flats to work...my shoe Nannie would NOT approve. It was my first day with a scarf...it was as fun as I could have made it. Nausea.

Nathan put Logan to bed while I fed Parker. After I put Parker to bed, I went into Lo's room and crawled into bed to say good night. Normally when I do this, he is already sleeping, but tonight it was different. He was wide awake. My scarf was off and my mangy looking patchy head was bare. He rubbed my head and said in his high-pitched toddler sing-song voice, "I love your hair...It's kind of furry!" I laughed hysterically at the mangy dog reference, despite his innocence. Logan continued, "It's too cute!" I gave him the best hug ever! 

Day 8: Feeling good. Nausea. I had more fun with scarves today. Accessorizing, according to little sis Jayme, is on the "long list!" 

PM Abdominal pain...like labor. Not fun, chemo, not fun. You especially suck on Day 8, Chemo.

Day 9: Feeling good. Hungry. Bone Pain...joint pain in hips and knees. Awful back pain at night.

Day 10, 11, 12: Normal. It's too bad this is when my immune system is at its lowest. I am confined to my house on a pretty Summer day that ought to be spent with Nathan at Sam's. Everybody loves Sam's, and I have to miss it. Or at the zoo with the boys...the last place on Earth that I ought to be. So here we are, watching Handy Manny. Nothing against Disney programming, but you can only watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and Handy Manny so many times before a trip to Sam's with a low immune system starts to sound like a viable option. Don't worry Mama, I didn't go.

Day 13, 14: Feeling Great! Now it's time for our next date. Ugh. Here we go again.

Take it easy again, Chemo. Next Saturday Mama and I are flying to MD Anderson for my second opinion. I need a strong immune system for the plane, and manageable side effects while out of town.

Peace out,

Bean