Dear Chemo...#3

SUNDAY, JULY 17, 2011 6:44 PM, EDT

Dear Chemo...#3

Dear Chemo,

It is getting increasingly difficult to work with you. Last Wednesday, you really had me in a rough patch. The nausea was barely tolerable, despite the mass amounts of medication to curb the insatiable desire to empty the contents of my tortured belly. I was diagnosed with migraines when I was 17, but I have had so many more since I met you. While I am thankful that prescription meds work for me, I wish I didn't have a need to pump one more med into my body right now. The nausea and weakness carried into Thursday...another day of FMLA gone.

Dr. Hargis completed a physical exam on Wednesday. It was anticlimactic. He said that when this chemo works, it works quickly. The sad thing is that when he did my initial clinical exam, I was lactating, and there was a fullness in my breast that isn't there anymore...as a result of lactating. And there was also a good sized hematoma from my biopsy that is no longer there. So in essence, my first clinical exam is not comparable to the exam from Wednesday because my tissue has changed so much. Unfortunately, he added, my imaging studies may be similarly comparable. This is discouraging, Chemo. I just pray that you are not only affecting the taste of my food, my equilibrium, and my ability to play with my kids. Please work, Chemo...please be worth it.

Friday was interesting. Nathan's mother Lynet came into town to help Nathan with the boys while Mama and I are in Houston. While Nathan and I would have loved to have taken this trip together, it is a harsh realization when you've just taken time off with a newborn, only to be faced with needing to take time off to deal with a personal health matter. We are just lucky to have two Mamas who can be here (or there) for us when we need them. And we all went to dinner with BFs Kerrie and Nick and their kids on Friday night...it was nice b/c we haven't seen them in a few weeks...and yet, another harsh realization. I forget that while I haven't had hair for a week or more, my friends and family really cannot prepare for it until they see it. Even covered with a scarf, you know it's bare. And while I rock my scarves, they are definitely a sign that I've been labeled with this diagnosis...there is no denying that I am "sick." If I had to guess, I would say that was hard on Kerrie...we haven't really had an emotional moment throughout this process, and we came close in Red Robin...

Thank you, Chemo, for allowing me to travel to MD Anderson on a "good day" yesterday. The 4 hr flight delay due to mechanical problems was actually a good thing...it allowed me a much-needed nap in the Memphis airport. Mama and I made it safely, and we are enjoying the comfort of our suite. Last night's dinner with Terry was excellent! I was grateful to have a good appetite...and to get some red blood cell-boosting buffalo tenderloin into my system! Quite nice.

I am nervous for my 2nd opinion appointment tomorrow. Nervous for the unknown...nervous for the uncertainty. There are so many "what-ifs" that I will likely not sleep well tonight. What if they want me to have treatments here? What if they tell me something different from what I'm hearing in Louisville? What if they can't help me?

Chemo, please work. Shrink this thing inside me that is not supposed to be there...Please work. 

I miss my Nathan and my boys. 

Tina