The Other Woman

SUNDAY, JULY 24, 2011 8:39 PM, EDT

The Other Woman

Nathan and I graduated from Radiography school in 2003. Nathan was driving a red Dodge Shadow...and he couldn't wait to ditch the Shadow and purchase his first adult vehicle. He had it narrowed down to two choices - there was a 2001 black Lexus E300 and then there was "Luscious." Luscious is a fully loaded Limited Edition black 2001 Jeep Grand Cherokee with grey leather interior. And in 2001, with about 3000 miles, she was Nathan Frey's dream girl. I will never forget when he introduced me to Luscious at the dealership. I said, "I wish you would look at me like that!" That was the decision-maker. He drove her off the lot that day, and from that point forward "Luscious" has been the other woman.

I can count on one hand the number of times that Nathan has looked at me like he looked at Luscious that day. Every time it takes me by surprise, and every time I melt. It's not something that I take for granted. And it's not something that I need every day, so don't be sad that I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen it during our 10 years together (this week). The scarcity is what makes it special.

The first time I got the look was before we even knew that Luscious existed. In true Tina fashion, I'm going to over-share something that will make Mama roll her eyes and Nathan blush. But it was 9 and a half years ago...they'll get over it. I was bound and determined to be the coolest girlfriend ever, and in order to reach that status, you have to think outside the box when it comes to gift giving. So for Nathan's 21st birthday, I assembled his best friends (and a few extras) into his apartment for a surprise party (which I did not attend). As I walked up the steps after the the party was over, my "gift" was walking down the stairs. She said to me, "You're the girlfriend, aren't you? Iknew you would have big boobs! They had a blast...you have to be the coolest girlfriend ever." The stripper validated what I knew all along. When I walked into the apartment, all of the guys cheered...validation #2. And then there was Nathan...giving me what I would later learn would be the "Luscious look." Mission accomplished.

There were a couple of weak Luscious looks in between, but the next notable Luscious look was when I was 6 months pregnant with Logan. Nathan and I were lying in bed, and he said to me, "I wish I could take a picture of you right now - you are just so beautiful." Hormonal, I began crying uncontrollably. Poor Nathan. He just sat there wondering what he had done wrong while I sobbed. I tried to regain composure to tell him that I was fine, but every time I spoke I began sobbing again. I have never seen anything like what was happening, and it hit me like a ton of bricks that I was no longer in control of my emotions - hormones had completely taken over, and that again made me sob. After what seemed like a lifetime, I was able to speak through the sobs..."You just gave me the Luscious look. I've waited 7 years for you to look at me like you look at that car. 7 years! And now I'm going to have it for 3 more months, and then you are going to look at him (pointing to my pregnant belly) like that...and I'll never see it again." Resume sobbing. Nathan just smiled. A good man knows how to stop when he's ahead. Both times I delivered a child I got the Luscious look...and rightfully so.

Cancer sucks. There's nothing beautiful or glamorous or forgiving about cancer. There is no silver lining. There is no glad game. There is no sunshine. A chemo pole is not a dance partner. Nausea is not fun. Scarves are lovely, but they are still hot in 100 degree heat. If you think birth control makes you more sensitive to the sun, try chemo. Weakness and limitation are not my strong points. Cancer is not beautiful...no matter how hard I try. Cancer sucks. 

And yet, somehow, somewhere, I have managed to count a few more Luscious looks in the last two months. We are two months post D-Day tomorrow. I am in my "new normal." That's what they call it - the time period after you are diagnosed with cancer...your "new normal." And while I'll never get used to the fight or the side effects or the idea of cancer, I could get used to a lifetime of the Luscious look...and still not take it for granted. ;-)