Let's get this party started

THURSDAY, JUNE 9, 2011 7:52 PM, EDT

Let's get this party started

Today was really this first day in preparation for treatment. I had my "port" placed surgically. A port is kind of a science fiction IV that is placed under the skin below the collar bone. It is the preferred route of admission for chemo because it prevents subsequent IV placements and discomfort to well, me (the patient). So when the chemo wears my veins down, the port will provide easy access to treat my blood.

Nathan and I were up at 4:30am, and out the door at 5. I checked into the outpatient surgery center, and I was given a room.

I stayed in a very nice pre-surgical work up room for about an hour before they brought Nathan back. I got an IV, fluids, a urine sample...you know, kind of a run of the mill gamete of a work-up. My nurses were kind, empathetic, and overall wonderful throughout the whole experience. I've never had surgery, so this was important in my book...they made me feel comfortable. After a visit from the Anesthesiologist and a little Versed (happy drug), I woke up to find my surgeon by my side. She asked me a couple of questions...I confirmed what I heard at the Oncologist's office yesterday (more on that in a bit), smiled at Nathan, and I immediately fell back into la-la land, despite my best efforts to stay lucid.

They rolled me into the surgical suite in my bright pink fuzzy socks with green polka dots that Mama gave me. I remember thinking of how incredibly cool and clean the OR suite was. I've never seen a surgical suite from the patient's point of view before, and I was happy with what I saw - clean, organized, bright room and shiny, happy people (though that could have been the Versed). The radio was on, which I actually love to hear in a surgical suite (either as a professional or a patient - you want your surgeon to do the things that put them in their "zone"...but I got a big nervous giggle out of the fact that the song that was playing was "Stairway to Heaven." And I found myself, through the Versed, humming along with the song.

"Stairway To Heaven"

There's a lady who's sure all that glitters is gold
And she's buying the stairway to heaven. 
When she gets there she knows, if the stores are all closed 
With a word she can get what she came for. 
Ooh, ooh, and she's buying the stairway to heaven.

There's a sign on the wall but she wants to be sure 
'Cause you know sometimes words have two meanings. 
In a tree by the brook, there's a songbird who sings, 
Sometimes all of our thoughts are misgiven. 
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it makes me wonder.

There's a feeling I get when I look to the west, 
And my spirit is crying for leaving. 
In my thoughts I have seen rings of smoke through the trees,
And the voices of those who stand looking. 
Ooh, it makes me wonder,
Ooh, it really makes me wonder.

And it's whispered that soon if we all call the tune 
Then the piper will lead us to reason. 
And a new day will dawn for those who stand long 
And the forests will echo with laughter. 
If there's a bustle in your hedgerow, don't be alarmed now, 
It's just a spring clean for the May queen. 
Yes, there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run 
There's still time to change the road you're on. 
And it makes me wonder.

Your head is humming and it won't go, in case you don't know, 
The piper's calling you to join him, 
Dear lady, can you hear the wind blow, and did you know 
Your stairway lies on the whispering wind.

And as we wind on down the road 
Our shadows taller than our soul. 
There walks a lady we all know 
Who shines white light and wants to show 
How everything still turns to gold.

And if you listen very hard 
The tune will come to you at last. 
When all are one and one is all 
To be a rock and not to roll. 
And she's buying the stairway to heaven.

Now one would think that you wouldn't want to hear thatsong as you are being put to sleep prior to a surgery, but I've never thought like other people and I don't have plans to start today. It was strangely comforting...Nathan's favorite band, after all, is Led Zeppelin, which drifted my thoughts to a Robert Plant and Alison Karuss concert that Nathan and I went to when I was pregnant with Logan; and Parker has Zeppelin lullabies on my iPod; again my thoughts drifted - Mama used to tell a story about the Mayor's son who passed away in high school on the way back from a concert, and they played "Stairway" at his funeral - she told the story on the way to the lake one time when Tiff, Jayme and I were fussing about the lack of concerts in Montgomery, which made me think of my childhood vacations to the lake and the beach; and then I remembered that I promised Coco (my dear friend and the kids' Godmother) that I would use positive imagery prior to surgery - Mama taught us to build colorful sandcastles with food coloring as children and I practiced the method of dying sand well into my twenties - thatwas to be my positive imagery. "Colorful sandcastles, colorful sandcastles," I thought, as I drifted off into a deep sleep in that surgical suite.

Then I woke up. In recovery.
Uneventful surgery, a little sore. 
Bits and pieces. 
Piece of cake.

Someone sent this ("God's Cake") to me over the last couple of days, and I wanted to share it (Thanks Megan Endres Burke and Mrs. Endres):

Sometimes we wonder,
'What did I do to deserve this?' or
'Why did God have to do this to me?'
Here is a wonderful explanation!
A daughter is telling her Mother how everything 
is going wrong, she's failing algebra, her boyfriend 
broke up with her and her best friend is moving away. 
Meanwhile, her Mother is baking a cake and 
asks her daughter if she would like a snack, and the
daughter says, 'Absolutely Mom, I love your cake.' 
'Here, have some cooking oil,' her Mother offers. 
'Yuck' says her daughter.. 
'How about a couple raw eggs?' 
'Gross, Mom!' 
'Would you like some flour then?
Or maybe baking soda?' 
'Mom, those are all yucky!' 
To which the mother replies:
'Yes, all those things seem bad all by themselves.
But when they are put together in the 
right way, they make a wonderfully delicious cake! ' 
God works the same way. 
Many times we wonder why 
He would let us go through such 
bad and difficult 
times. But God knows that when He puts these things 
all in His order, they always work for good! We just 
have to trust Him and, eventually, they will all 
make something wonderful! 
God is crazy about you.
He sends you flowers every spring and
a sunrise every morning.
Whenever you want to talk, He'll listen.
He can live anywhere in the universe,
and He chose your heart. 
If you like this, send this on 
to the people you really care about. 
Life may not be the party we hoped for, but while we are 
here we might as well dance!

I keep thinking, "Let's get this party started!" But wht kind of party is this, anyway? How do I dress? Can I dance? Should I bring a hostess gift? Do I need to RSVP?

The plan last week was to treat my blood, then re-evaluate surgical options. That's still kind of the plan.

When I saw my Oncologist again yesterday, he told me that he and the Surgeon sent my biopsy results to a different pathologist because I was nursing at the time of my biopsy. Nursing may have skewed the results (and they were kind of hoping that this was the case), making my cancer look like something it wasn't. This was not the case - apparently is what it looked like the first time...not better or worse than what they were expecting, just different. I have what is called a "triple negative breast carcinoma," which surfaced about 10 years ago and accounts for MUCH of the current breast cancer research...that's good. Now don't get all google-happy on me, or you'll start freaking out, and I am trying to remain positive. Triple negative, in essence, means that my cancer is not fed by estrogen, progesterone, or her2/neu - three hormones that typically feed, in some combination, breast cancer. These feeders drive hormone treatment, but if they are negative the cancer will not respond to hormone therapy. Triple negatives make up about 10% of all breast cancers, and they are typically aggressive (which makes them respond better to chemotherapy agents). So yes, aggressive is bad, but when a cancer is aggressive, it responds better to chemo, which is good. Here's the thing - I have what the second Pathologist is calling "old lady cancer." It is extremely slow growing (making it more resistant to chemo), and it has likely been there for the # of years that I think it's been there...growing VERY slowly over that time. It's kind of a freak of nature though, because triple negative breast cancers are not often seen in "old ladies," and they arerarely slow growing. So here we have it, a triple negative breast cancer that is slow growing - a conundrum cancer. I was always striving to express my individualism, and here I have it...Individualism expressed through an "old lady tumor" that appears to be fed by nothing. Hmmm?

So the course of treatment stands. We treat my blood with chemo, then evaluate surgical options. If you are looking for something specific to pray for, you can pray that the chemo shrinks this thing more than they expect it to, and that the doctors are even more perplexed in a few months when there's nothing left to be treated!! I'll take that! I see your old lady cancer and raise you a triple negative...I have an ace in my pocket, and I'm ready to use it...it's called eternal optimism, you slow growing old lady cancer, and it is gold. Isn't this everyone's favorite part of the song, anyway?

And as we wind on down the road 
Our shadows taller than our soul. 
There walks a lady we all know 
Who shines white light and wants to show 
How everything still turns to gold